I have been very irritable and restless this past few days. I don’t want to go to work nor socialize with others plus my patience is really getting shorter. I blamed the weather, I blamed my hormones and I even blamed the moon and stars alignment for my unusual behavior. And then few days ago I got the chance to meditate and analyze what’s happening with me and then I realize I am experiencing a bad case of nostalgia.

A year ago I got my heart broken, big time! I was suppose to get married to my boyfriend for four years but unfortunately things didn’t work out for the both of us. It was so painful, that even up to now I can still feel being stabbed on my chest everytime I remember it or when someone mentions something about it. I have never cried so much in my life before that experience, I cried when I’m alone, I cried before going to sleep and when I wake up, it’s the same thing I am still crying.It felt like life was sucked out of my body and everything was just so meaningless. I have no appetite to eat (I approximately lost 10-15lbs in 3 weeks), I have no desire to talk to anybody and explain, I just don’t feel like doing anything, period. I hated being in this boring city and I even hated myself for making the decision to migrate here in Canada. It wasn’t an easy time, and to make things worse I have to face my family and friends and tell them that I am not getting married anymore. It was just sad, it was so, so sad.

Now as I look back, I ask myself “Did you make the right decision Kat?” and my answer is yes, I think I made the right decision not to get married. Even if he was the perfect person for me, I know I wasn’t prepared. I know that I still have so many things to enjoy and I still have so many ambitions to fulfill before I can say that I am ready to settle down. It sounds so selfish but I think he would agree with me that we weren’t prepared, we were just pressured to make a decision because we wanted to be together. That experience taught me a lot of things and it sure made me a better person. And I think the best thing that it did to me was it humbled me, I did things that I thought I would never do just to save the relationship . See, the usual me is a person who values her pride and dignity second to her family and close friends but at that time I realized that sometimes you have to lower your pride and beg to try to save the relationship. Obviously it didn’t work (although he changed his mind a month later but i’ve already decided not to push thru the wedding already..it’s a long story) but at least I know i tried. That experience also humbled me in a way becuase i admitted not only to others but to myself that we broke up not only because of him but it was also becuase of me. It was a long distance relationship, and I can’t say we didn’t try becuase we did as much as we can but probably because of the distance we became strangers to one another, It takes two to tango and I can say it didn’t work because we both had our issues and short comings. It also made me realize that I still have some growing up to do when it comes to the area of love. I didn’t really had a lot of experience when it comes to romantic relationships and probably God still wants me to learn a lot of things (and yes I am learning). I am not a quitter, If I want something I’ll fight for it till death but I have learned that sometimes you also need to give up and let go. There are certain things that you can’t hold onto forever and letting go of that thing is your only option. Letting go doesn’t always mean giving up sometimes it means that you’re actually being strong and that you’re being mature enough to realize that setting them free will help them to find their own way. It is being unselfish because you’re giving the person his independence and therefore you’re giving them the chance to grow. I myself learned how to grow as a person after the break up. And like they said, it takes grown ups for a relationship to work.

I don’t regret anything that has happened, I learned a lot from it. And probably I won’t meet new friends if I was still in that relationship. People come and go and they come and they go for a reason.What’s important is that you cherish every moment that you have with that person. Forget about the hurts and the pains and just try to remember the good times and happy moments. Some people would ask me whether i hate him or the other guys who broke my heart and I always answer “I don’t” because no matter what they say, these people taught me something and at one point they shared with me two of the most important things you can give a person, they cared and they loved me.That is why even If i get my heart broken over and over again, nothing excites me more than the thought of falling in love again.